Recently I heard that cultural observers and commentators are talking about how the women's liberation movement has made it so that men really don't know what women want anymore, so many have chosen to just dis-engage from real-life women and turn to on-line porn for their sexual needs. This is tragic on so many levels. Fantasies are wonderful to get you through the rough times, but just as the sorrows of reality can make you feel life is not worth living, the joys of reality can make you feel like heaven does exist, right here on earth! So men who choose to not relate to a real woman, to learn about her body and what pleases her, in order to have her do the same for him, are robbing themselves of what should be a key avenue of pleasure for them.
Then I thought about it and realized that just as men turn to on-line porn, women have been burning up the pixels with eBooks about romance...every possible genre. We women are not as sex-specific as men. Studies have shown that hetero men only react sexually to pictures of sexy women, or of a male/female(s) coupling. Gay men will only react to sexy men and male/male coupling. But we women are not fussy...even though our minds may not agree, our bodies will react with arousal to pictures of sexy humans of every sex/race, and couplings of any combination thereof. Nature has made us that way, and who are we to argue? So the romance book publishing business grows by leaps and bounds as we read about menage relationships, though many of us will never be a part of that; we also enjoy reading about male/male sex written by women, and even enjoy human/alien or human/paranormal creature couplings, just as long as the sex is hot!
But all of this means that we are still not engaging across the male/female chasm. We are each sitting on our own side, grousing about how we can't understand what the other one wants, and pleasuring ourselves with fantasies of how it should be, because we seem to be unable to make it happen in reality. How to solve this dilemma? If I knew, I'd be rich. The only observation I can make is that we need to really listen, to each other. Men and women need to strive to become more accepting of each other.
And not to be flippant, but why not share our secret pleasures with each other? Women, agree to sit and watch some of your man's favorite porn once or twice. Don't look at the female's body and compare it to yours. Just watch how he reacts to it, and maybe try doing something to him while he watches, especially if what you are doing mirrors what is happening on the screen. Expanding your sexual repertoire is almost always a good thing. And men, read some of her romance books...then ask her what parts of the hero she likes, and discuss how you can become more like that. It may feel awkward at first, but stay with it...you used to like to play when you were a kid, and you didn't worry about how it made you look. For monogamy to work in the long run, you need to give each other permission to play again, and role-playing can really be fun when you stop worrying about how what you want will be taken, and you start getting what you want. Good luck! And as the French say, "Viva la difference!"
My latest book, Prophecy of the Undead has a female scientist as the heroine, and a Russian vampire as the hero. I usually write contemporary erotic romance, but the hero appeared to me in a dream and told me I was having writer's block on this story because I was giving my heroine the wrong hero...it had to be him. When he flashed his fangs at me, I told him I don't write about vampires. He told me to research the Mayans. Which I did the next morning. All of their religious rituals involved blood-letting. Once I added his vampirism to the story, it wrote itself. And the sequel spilled out right after that.
If you leave a comment here you'll have a chance to win a free eBook of Prophecy of the Undead. The sequel will be out February 1, and it continues the story begun here, taking it to its conclusion.